My Brother.....
Sometime I so wish that my brother could be here and witness everything that is happening in mine and mom's life. I wonder sometimes what he would of thought of me moving out to Colorado. I know that ultimately he would have been proud of me.
But the thing that breaks my heart isn't that I miss him. (obviously I do) but what hurts the most are the days that I lay down in bed and realize that, for that day, I didn't miss him. I didn't think of him. Those are the days that make me cry at night. I never want to forget my brother. He was a huge part of my life. But with all the busyness of my life, there are days that I lay down and realize that he wasn't in my thoughts. I think that is why I dreamt of him last night. I think somehow God was trying to tell me that it's ok.
He gave me this dream of him that portrayed his love for his family. It was me and my mom and my brother. We were driving around somewhere, doing some shopping, and he was so worried about us spending too much money on stuff. It wasn't a deeply moving dream, but it was a reminder to me of who he was and who God created him to be. Sometimes I need that, because (while I hate to admit it) I forget the kind of person he was sometimes. I forget what his smile looked like or what his voice sounded like when he laughed. I find myself now relying on God to remind me of my brother. I've always been so worried about forgetting him.
After the funeral, I remember wanting to keep his voicemail on his cell phone so that I wouldn't forget what his voice sounded like. Eventually I had to let that go, but last night was a reminder to me that I don't need to worry about that. God can and will continually remind me of who my brother was. He didn't create him and allow him to leave this earth just so in ten years I would forget about it all. He's going to give me dreams of him and that will remind me of how great he was and how much I miss him.
On a lighter note, all things are good here. I'm praying desperately that God will supply me with a job today. I have an interview at Macy's this afternoon, so pray that God's will be done. That's really all I ask. :)
Love you all, and can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving!!!
Jess
That's good stuff. I enjoy reading your blog, although I didn't know you're brother, I found that I could relate to this in so many ways. I always thank God for the dreams that he allows me to have about my grandparents and I thank God that he gave let you have this dream about your brother. That's awesome. Um, you've probably already had you're interview, but I'm still praying that you get the job!!
ReplyDeletePeace out yo!