Tonight is no exception. To say that I've been battling some of my own inner demons the last couple of weeks, would be an understatement. That continues as the weekend approaches.
My brother would be have been 28 this Saturday. And to be completely honest and translucent (which is difficult for me) I am struggling this year. I'm struggling so much that I'm writing this through tear filled eyes. I miss him more than I could ever express. I often wonder what our lives would be like if he were still here. I completely believe that we would be close. He would probably be married by now, with kids. My nieces and nephews. We would probably hang out on weekends, have dinner with each other every week or so. He would probably call me all the time to find out what's new in my life. I would completely spoil those kids and he would probably yell at me for it.
All these things I think about daily. Everyday I have to learn to be content in that these things will never happen for me. I will never get to watch my big brother get married. I will never have nieces and nephews. I will never get to have a sister-in-law. Instead, I get to live vicariously through other people's lives. Like when my best friend watched her brother get married recently, or hearing another friend laugh about trips and stories with her sister-in-law. Or hearing about my cousins spending time with their nieces and nephews.
These things hurt. They are pains that run so deep, most days I'm not even sure what to do with them.
All I can do... all I know how to do is daily giving them to the only person who can handle them. People say that time will heal all wounds. My brother has been gone for 11 years and it hurts just as much today as it did the night that he died.
See the thing is, we're not promised that our lives won't be filled with pain. There is sin in this world and because of that we go through things that aren't fair, and that are painful, and that make us angry. People hurt us in ways that we'll never understand, because people are flawed. We may never truly experience joy in this world. We may be happy in certain times, but true joy comes from one place. It comes from the only person who knows who we are, broken, flawed, angry, pained, confused, hurt and still accepts us exactly the way we are. He never asks us to change before we come to him. Change can only come from him. From being in his presence, and out of relationship with him.
Joy Will Come. I believe that.
I believe that my God is bigger than every hurt and pain that rips through me when I think of my brother. I believe that he can take me as broken as I am and restore things that I don't even realize need restoring. I believe that he can heal. I believe that broken families can be put back together, in his name.
What other choice do I have but to believe.
Joy Will Come.
Every single day I will proclaim that in my life, and know that God is especially fond of me.
"What is this hope I feel, It's helping/ What is this peace beyond, Understanding/ You fix the broken heart, There's healing in Your wings"
Oh Jess .. I really needed to read this today. I have been struggling with some issues and you just really comforted me with your words of wisdom. The way that you express your thoughts is so awesome. You are way beyond your years when it comes to caring about others you express it in your blog and in your music. I sure hope you have an awesome weekend remembering the good times you had with your brother .. you will always have those. I won't see you for a couple of weeks .. taking a little time off church to get some things done on my house that I have to get done. I love you .. Keep trusting the Lord and keep smiling!!
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