Joy Will Come...

As always, I'm writing in the middle of the night. It seems to be the time I sort through my thoughts, process what I've been through that day, run over conversations that I've had, think about people, past, present and future.

Tonight is no exception. To say that I've been battling some of my own inner demons the last couple of weeks, would be an understatement. That continues as the weekend approaches.

My brother would be have been 28 this Saturday. And to be completely honest and translucent (which is difficult for me) I am struggling this year. I'm struggling so much that I'm writing this through tear filled eyes. I miss him more than I could ever express. I often wonder what our lives would be like if he were still here. I completely believe that we would be close. He would probably be married by now, with kids. My nieces and nephews. We would probably hang out on weekends, have dinner with each other every week or so. He would probably call me all the time to find out what's new in my life. I would completely spoil those kids and he would probably yell at me for it.

All these things I think about daily. Everyday I have to learn to be content in that these things will never happen for me. I will never get to watch my big brother get married. I will never have nieces and nephews. I will never get to have a sister-in-law. Instead, I get to live vicariously through other people's lives. Like when my best friend watched her brother get married recently, or hearing another friend laugh about trips and stories with her sister-in-law. Or hearing about my cousins spending time with their nieces and nephews.

These things hurt. They are pains that run so deep, most days I'm not even sure what to do with them.

All I can do... all I know how to do is daily giving them to the only person who can handle them. People say that time will heal all wounds. My brother has been gone for 11 years and it hurts just as much today as it did the night that he died.

See the thing is, we're not promised that our lives won't be filled with pain. There is sin in this world and because of that we go through things that aren't fair, and that are painful, and that make us angry. People hurt us in ways that we'll never understand, because people are flawed. We may never truly experience joy in this world. We may be happy in certain times, but true joy comes from one place. It comes from the only person who knows who we are, broken, flawed, angry, pained, confused, hurt and still accepts us exactly the way we are. He never asks us to change before we come to him. Change can only come from him. From being in his presence, and out of relationship with him.

Joy Will Come. I believe that.

I believe that my God is bigger than every hurt and pain that rips through me when I think of my brother. I believe that he can take me as broken as I am and restore things that I don't even realize need restoring. I believe that he can heal. I believe that broken families can be put back together, in his name.

What other choice do I have but to believe.

Joy Will Come.

Every single day I will proclaim that in my life, and know that God is especially fond of me.

"What is this hope I feel, It's helping/ What is this peace beyond, Understanding/ You fix the broken heart, There's healing in Your wings"

There are a few stories/portions of scripture that are my favorites.

-Matthew 6:30 (NLT) "And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

-Psalm 13 (NLT) "O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O LORD my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me."

- 1 Peter 3:1-6 (MSG) "The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

There are many more, but there is one that lately has been growing and growing on me.

Acts 2:42-47 (NLT) "All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity - all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."

I absolutely LOVE this small piece of God's word. This is what the church should be like!! This is what my own church should be like!! I love the idea of the church sharing EVERYTHING!!! They sold their property and all their possessions and gave all the money to the people in the church who needed it. Talk about TITHING! lol

None of their stuff mattered to them, the things that they had, the crops that they grew, their entire livelihoods meant nothing to them, if there were other believers who needed things. Gosh, can you imagine what that would be like? In my own house, we have two refrigerators. If someone were to need one of them we could easily give one away. But it goes so much further than that. If God had this crazy idea to ask us to sell our house and give all the money to the church to help out different families, or to help re-build the church, would we? Do we love our brothers and sisters, and God enough to be obedient and give up the things that we think matter so much?

I won't lie. I like my stuff. I imagine what would happen if there were a fire in my house and I only had time to grab a few things. What would I grab? That's a hard question for me to answer! Cause I want ALL my stuff!! My laptop, pictures, my stereo (yes, my stereo), books, music, movies, shoes! All of this with the exception of pictures is replaceable!! Why do I cling sooo much to stuff?

We lived a little like the new testament church tonight. We spent time in prayer with one another, we took each others needs and laid them before our God as one church. People were healed and restored. We even had one member pray for a non-spanish speaking person, and her prayer was in spanish! We're even throwing other languages in there!!! I feel so blessed to be apart of a church that is allowing God to flow freely!

Well it's almost midnight and I have to be up early to catch a flight to what I like to call my second home. Colorado Springs, CO!!! I'm spending the weekend with three of the greatest friends I will ever know, and I am one happy girl. Hopefully I'll have an update when I come back on Monday!!

Keep me in prayer this weekend, I had a job interview on Tuesday and they said they would be making a decision this week and giving me a call at the beginning of next week!

A Blogger Who Follows Blogs Is A Blog-Follower. Who Would've Thunk.

So since I became a "blogger" I've developed this craze for other people's blogs. Cooking/Baking blogs, personal blogs, fashion blogs, Artsy blogs, I love them all!

Holy-Guacamole, there are tons of blogs out there. Any interest you have, you can probably find someone who has a blog that is LOADED with info about said interest.

Here's a few that I love checking out... Just in case you were wondering..

The J-Walk Blog - This has some crazy stuff in it. It's not really an interest blog as much as it's a good place for random stuff! Check out this post Chicken In The Corn which features "Brushy" the one-stringed guitar player. My favorite part? His friend sitting next to him half-dancing to his music.

Next, my newest, most favorite fashion blog. A Beautiful Mess has some amazingly cute fashions tips and ideas. The girl who writes this blog has a cute looking vintage shop called Red Velvet that also has a cupcake shop connected to it. That's my kind of store. One day I will visit it. It's in Springfield, MO. I have a friend from Missouri, maybe he'll let me come visit :)

My absolute favorite (which is hard for me to post, cause there are a few that I visit daily, and follow on twitter so I can see new YUMMY posts) anyhoo, my favorite baking/cooking blog? That would be Sugar Plum. This girl is my baking idol. She makes everything from her own made up recipes! Who does that?!?! Apparently really good bakers. For now I'll follow her recipes and leave the new creations to the experts.

For my artistic, creative days, I look to Lovely Little Things. JJ Heller is an awesome singer/songwriter. She is also an amazingly gifted interior decorator and sewer... is that what you call them???

DOH, a seemstress. Duh Jess.

Anyways, she has amazing ideas for homemade deco and from what I can tell is an amazing secondhand shopper. I strive to be that good. She is the one who gave me the idea for this. If you haven't hear her music, you should check her out... I mean it. Right now, go download her music and come back to continue reading. That's how good it is.

A good blog in general for the girls out there, is the one and only Bethany Joy Galeotti. If your a die-hard fan (like me) of this show, you'll know exactly who she is. She's just got good stuff. Facial and hair tips, her favs when it comes to products and movies, along with her own personal thoughts on random everyday things.

Lastly, is a new blog I just found. Christa Black is an inspiring person who has a powerful story. She's also an amazing singer/songwriter. For now, that is all I will say. Check out her blog and her music. I'm planning on buying her book/album very soon.

Ok that's enough from me. Hopefully you found some blogs that you also may be interested in. Or at least I inspired you to go blog searching for yourself. Tons of people are voicing their thoughts, opinions and creations with the world, find them.

Listening to: She & Him 'Volume Two'

Finding My Artistic Side

Wow. It's been a while. For those of you who actually pay attention and look for new blogs from me (if you do, that would actually surprise me :/ ) But if that is you, I apologize.

But here I am again, and I've come to a conclusion.

I am not artistic.

Not one bit. When it comes to creating new things of my own. I lack the creative eye, ear, smell, whatever, I'm missing all of it. In my prayer time, I feel God giving me visions of me creating. Music, art, yummy food. I know that God has given me gifts that I have not tapped in to.

If you ever enter my room, you'll see that I have a massive closet. It literally covers an entire wall. My closet doors, are mirrors. About 5 months ago, I started using those mirrors as a whiteboard. In my journaling time, after amazing times of worship and prayer God has given me words that I believe are for a song. I started taking those words and writing them on my mirrors forming them into a verse, a pre-chorus, and a chorus of a song. I started adding more one-liners hoping and trying to fit them in somewhere. I even added a few chord progressions.

It's been 5 months, and that is still all that this song has become.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's confidence that I lack. I'm still believing that one day it will be great. I know that God didn't speak those words to me for nothing and I will keep working, and allow God to create it.

Also, I want to be an artist. Not just a musical artist.

Do you think you can learn to draw? Is the ability to draw and paint and create pictures a talent that you're born with? Or is it something that, with a little (or a lot) of practice, can be achieved? If so, I want it. More than that, I feel like God knows that desire and desires to draw it out of me. God is obviously an artistic person (just look at our world) and we are created in his image, so why can't it happen?

So what do I do? Well, I spend days (and sometimes, nights) working on it. Praying about it.

Tonight I took out the crayons and color pencils and markers (I'll try paint when I have a bit more confidence lol) and I began to draw. They weren't that great, and no one will ever see them. But I know that it's time well spent. Just like I practice playing piano and singing, I will practice my art. It may never be stunning work, but I know God will give me pictures to draw out, and maybe one day that song on my mirror will become more than marker smudges.

It will be something that is used to minister to just one person.

That will make these 5 months worth everything.

Thanks to one of my best friends, I've been listening to a great song by a great band that I'm starting to LOVE... This is the bridge that has been sticking with me. I don't want to be someone who listens to great words only after people are gone. And I hope that I say things worth listening to while I'm alive.

"A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I've been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’"

"If I Die Young" - The Band Perry

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!!!

Technically, this is two posts, two days in a row. But since it just turned midnight... it's more like two posts in ONE day!! Whoa... look at me go.

24 has already been a great age for me! I've re-discovered that my God is an amazing God.

Not only did he remind me ALL day long that I have some great people in my life. He also gave me the ultimate present that I have been praying, asking,..... shoot, begging for since June.

Wait for it.......

Waaaaaaaait for it.

I HAVE A JOB!!!!

Good Lord, you have no idea how long I have been waiting to say that! I officially start tomorrow as a Recreation Leader for The STAR program through the City of Paramount. This is definitely a place where God is going to stretch me!!! I'm super excited and I will try to keep you updated as much as I can on how it's going.

For now, just pray with me while I start this job. Pray that I will be a light that shines Jesus soooo much people have to wear some sunglasses!!

Did I just say that?

Sorry, it's late.

I end this post, and my night with a book and warm blanket.

Birthday Reminders

It's 8am.. and I already have 28 people on facebook telling me happy birthday.

Seriously, this was unexpected. I've been so focused on the fact that I don't have many friends in my life. That I need to be sociable. (I still do, I haven't forgotten that) But leave it to God to use my birthday to show me that while I may not speak to these people every single day, I still have people in my life who love me. People, who if needed would be there for me in a heartbeat.

Just a reminder that it's not about the quantity of people you have in your life. It's about the quality of people in your life.

bonne fête - French for 'Happy Birthday

Resolutions? No.

Two more days till the New Year. I've never been the person that really thought about the year that's about to end and processed and reflected on the things that happened. And then took the time to really think about the next year.

This year I want to take the time to do this. And tonight as I started to do that, I realized something. Last year, without even realizing it. I made plans. I started to year with my own ideas of how 2010 was going to go.

Lets reflect....

At the beginning of this year, I new that I would be leaving Colorado and moving back to California with direction on how I would be involved in ministry back at Lifegate. I was going to be deeply involved in ministry and God was going to totally rock our church in a great way by the end of this year. I was going to have a GREAT job that paid really well so that I could save up enough money to be able to move back out of my mom's house and into my own place and really be an adult! I was going to have a great boyfriend whom I could share this amazing relationship with.

Now would you like to hear how my plans worked out?

I did move from Colorado, back to California and I am involved in ministry. But my plans for the way it would be going are much different than where it is now. It really has nothing to do with the ministry and is more about where I saw myself. Myself, as a minister is not where I wanted to be. That amazing job that I spoke about? Yeah that doesn't exactly exist. Not yet at least. And saving money so I could move out? I'm more in debt than I have ever been in my life (which is small to most, but still...) That boyfriend that I should at least be in the process of discussing marriage with, yeah I haven't found him yet.

So what does this all say about the plans that I make?

yeeeeeeeeeeah. about that.

This year I don't want to make plans. I don't want to go into 2011 with pre-conceived ideas of what the year will bring. I can't figure out if that's a good concept to have. Is it irresponsible for me to go into the year that way?

I don't know, but I don't want a repeat of this past year. So instead I'm choosing to let the plans that God has take priority. In every part of my life; my ministry, my job, my financial status, my relationships and friendships. That is my only plan.

I have been thinking of some "New Years Resolutions" which I don't want to think of as resolutions, cause does anyone actually follow through with those? I just want to call them, "Things I REALLY need to work on in 2011"

1. Read more - but I want to read challenging stuff. Stuff that really works my brain and breaks me out of my comfort zone. Classics, plays, poetry.. etc.

2. Learn to play guitar. (nuff said)

3. Become more sociable with people - This is a BIG one! I've realized that I am awkward around new people. I don't know how to socialize with people that I don't know. I've never been the outgoing type who throws myself into conversations. While I was in Colorado I learned how to be content on my own. To be alone, and to be comfortable with that. I think now that I'm home I've taken it to the other extreme. And I prefer to be alone. I'd much rather spend my days alone in my room then to go out with a group of people.

4. Write More - Just in general. Journaling, writing songs, letters. Whatever will get me writing.

Those are a few of the things I'm working on this next year.

What are the things you'll be working on in 2011? I'd love to hear about them!