Home is....

When I arrived in Colorado Springs, I spent the first couple of weeks trying to figure out where home was. I was born and raised in California, but now I was in this new city, where I knew God was going to reveal himself in a whole new way.

I started hanging all of my picture frames. My friends, my family. Before I left California, on one of mine and Carly's MANY trips to Ross, I found this picture frame that said, "There's No Place Like Home". I bought it thinking, "Oh, I know exactly what I'm going to put in here." And when it came time to actually hang it, I went back and forth on what home really was to me. Before I left for Colorado, I moved out of the house that I lived in for 5 years with my mom. I lived with Carly and her family and while they are like my second family, I never felt at home. So what was I to put in this frame? I really felt like God told me, "Just hang the picture frame with nothing in it. I will reveal to you what home is." So the frame has hung on my wall, empty ever since.

I went home for a week for Thanksgiving. And for the first time in a really long time, I felt at home. Not just in the building that I was sleeping in. But with the people. I spent an entire 10 days with what I will always consider my family. I spent those ten days, cooking in the kitchen, laying on the couch, watching tv, talking at the dinner table, actually eating at the dinner table (that never really happened a lot when I was growing up), laughing with each other, crying with each other, and just living. And at the end of the trip, I heard God say, "This is what your home is. Not a location, but being first in the presence of Me and then in the presence of the people I have placed in your life."

Since I was ten years old I've always said that I will NEVER live in California all of my life. So the idea of me leaving and possibly never coming back permanently, was something that I was looking forward to. But something happened over Thanksgiving, I found something in California that I love. I may not love the people driving on the freeway, or the sun 365 days in a row, or not being able to really see the mountains because of the smog, but I came to the point that if God calls me to stay there all of my life, I will be privileged and happy to do it. And if He places me somewhere else, then I'll trust that I will still feel at home, wherever I go.

There was one other thing that I feel like God is still revealing to me. Maybe one day I will share that with you, but at this point he's still working in me. :) Don't you just hang to be left hanging? :)

It was so hard to leave California. I love all of you there and if I didn't get to spend a lot of time with some of you, I am sorry. Please know that I love and care for all of you, and I'm thankful that you are apart of my life.

I'm already counting down the days till I come back: 18 to be exact! :)

Today I had an amazing experience in my Pastoral Ministry class. Instead of having a lecture, we as a class read the entire book of 1 Peter. It's only 5 chapters long, so it didn't take forever, but I have never read a group of passages and felt so moved by the words. For those of you who have never read all of 1 Peter, I encourage you to. Don't read it fast and without regard to what Peter is saying. Read it slowly, and read it out loud. Read it in a few different translations. We read it in the Message paraphrase and it absolutely blew me away.

It's amazing to think that Peter wrote this as a letter to people who were exiled to all the corners of the earth. It's amazing how those words were applied to them and can still be applied to us in our day. My favorite part of this whole book (well, ok there are a few but I will only share one)

1 Peter 3:1-6

1-4The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition.

^4-6Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

I love that one day, when I am married, the Word says that a man will be captivated by my life of holy beauty. This world gives off an impression of what husbands and wives should be, and I gotta tell you, sometimes I'm not impressed. I don't always look forward to being a wife if the worlds vision of what a wife should be, holds true. The portion that I put in bold is my favorite. I won't have to worry about what I look like. If I'm too fat or too skinny, or too short or tall... I won't have to wear pretty jewelry, or make sure that my hair is colored the perfect shade, and I have the perfect cut when I leave the salon. What will matter is my inner disposition. And that is something that even now, I work on. I want God to take hold of me and make me who he wants, that way one day a man will be captivated and it won't be because of what I've done, but because of what God has done in me.

I don't mean to say that I won't care what I look like and dress like a slob and never shower... but it kind of takes the pressure off a little, don't you think? As long as I work to be exactly what God has called me to be.

This entire book is amazing. If ever you are having a bad day or you just need encouraging... read it.. take every word in. Stop every once in a while and just let the words sink into your soul. I promise you'll be amazed once again of how great our God is and with how much he loves you.

After you read, come back here and tell me what you thought. What passages stood out to you? What scriptures gave you goosebumbs? Cause I know there's a few that gave me some!

I love all of you and for those of you in California, I'm looking forward to spending time with you starting next week!!!

Jess

Another Quick update...

Wow... It's been a while.... there has been many things that I want to write about. So much about what I'm learning here at school. So much that I've been learning just through my own personal reading of the bible and other books..... BUT things are SOOO busy right now!!!! I've got a couple days more than two weeks before my first module ends!! I still can't believe it.

Finals and really long paged papers are illuminating with due dates, choir practice is starting Christmas music and I'm soooo ready for a long Thanksgiving break!!! :)

I'm really happy to say that I think I'm doing pretty well in all of my classes. My two speeches for my communication class went great. I got really great feedback back from my teacher and a "A" on both. I passed my 'Christian Growth and Development' midterm with and "A", although I am still waiting to get my midterm back for 'Biblical Foundations of Worship'. So now your wondering, (or at least I would be wondering if I was reading this) "Why are you telling me this, Jess?"

The reason I'm telling you all this is because a lot of you have invested in me coming out here with both your prayers and your money. I need and want you to know that I'm working really hard to make all of you proud. I'm working to get good grades. I didn't move all the way out here to just barely pass. That isn't what I'm striving for and I need you to know that.

I did have a job interview at the YMCA in Monument (which is a town just north of Colorado Springs) It was a group interview and I think it went pretty well. It's working in the "Kids Zone" which is just a program somewhat like a day care that is provided to members of the YMCA while the children's parents workout. It's perfect hours for my schedule and good enough pay. I'm still waiting to hear back from them as to whether I got the job or not so please just keep this in your prayers.

The weather has been absolutely wonderful!!!!! I had my very first two snow days last Wednesday and Thursday. I got to sleep in and snuggle with my pillows and read and watch movies. That's something that I'm not really used to and I've got to say that it has been such a blessing to just spend time with myself. By Friday though, I needed to get out of the house! Me and two of my friends, Kayla and Lara had a sleepover and Saturday morning me and Kayla learned to do Michael Jackson's "Thriller" dance at the YMCA!! hahaha Great Halloween morning!

Thanks again for all of your prayers and comments on facebook. It's so great to know that I have an amazing church family that hasn't forgotten me!!! :)

I'm looking forward to coming home and spending time with all of you.

Love you and I will see you in exactly 16 days!!!!

Hearing God's Voice Vs. Obeying God's Voice

Do you ever feel like there's a battle going on between hearing and obeying???

I feel like God was talking to me yesterday. I was reminded that while I am learning so much out here and God is showing me so much, I still have a ton to learn.

Second service came at 11:30 am. One of the students in the School of Worship showed up to just second service and I noticed that he was sitting by himself and quiet. Now usually this guy is very upbeat and loud. So I knew that something was wrong and I strongly felt God say, "Go give him a hug and say hi." That's it. God didn't give me these amazing words of strength or anything that I should have been worried. Just a hug and a Hi.... And I tried to find every excuse not to: Church was about to start, someone else was talking to him... etc. Stupid stuff. So we went through church and I thought about it. I still felt like God was telling me to do something. And what did I do? I left church. I went home... I took a nap.. I worked on homework. Then when it was time to go to sleep, guess what I couldn't do. Yup. Sleep.

I was so tired but I couldn't actually sleep. I stayed awake for hours trying to sleep... and then it hit me.

So I stopped and said, "Ok, God. I'll pray." I had no idea what was going on in this guy's life, but I just began to pray. At one o'clock in the morning I laid in bed and prayed for this guy, I prayed for his family, and his friends. I prayed for everything that I could think of, and I asked God to give me the words to pray.

And as soon as I said "Amen". I fell asleep.

We started class today with prayer and we found out that this guy had a death in the family. He was flying home this week to attend the funeral.

God began to speak to me during class. Why was I so hesitant to do what God had called me to do. Especially since it was an easy thing. I talk to this guy and I give him hugs pretty frequently, so why was this so hard!!! I followed God all the way to colorado!!!! Why was this harder!

I know that I'm still learning so much, so please keep me in your prayers. I'm very excited that I'm hearing God's voice, cause for a while there I felt like I couldn't. Pray that God will continue to do this and that I will be more willing to follow what he is telling me.

On a much lighter note, I have just experienced some of the most beautiful days of my life. It all started on Thursday when it snowed! There was ice on everything! I had to buy an ice scraper and one morning I spent 20 mins scraping inches of ice off of my car. I had to drive to church on Sunday in ice and slush. And while almost everyone was hating the weather, I took it all in. If I wasn't so freezing cold, I would have sat outside and just watched!

I posted a ton of pics on facebook, so you can check it out there: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=117587&id=672780372&l=d71a082738

He remembers all....

So last night I had a dream. It was about something that I don't always dream of. And it reminded me of something that breaks my heart.

My Brother.....

Sometime I so wish that my brother could be here and witness everything that is happening in mine and mom's life. I wonder sometimes what he would of thought of me moving out to Colorado. I know that ultimately he would have been proud of me.

But the thing that breaks my heart isn't that I miss him. (obviously I do) but what hurts the most are the days that I lay down in bed and realize that, for that day, I didn't miss him. I didn't think of him. Those are the days that make me cry at night. I never want to forget my brother. He was a huge part of my life. But with all the busyness of my life, there are days that I lay down and realize that he wasn't in my thoughts. I think that is why I dreamt of him last night. I think somehow God was trying to tell me that it's ok.

He gave me this dream of him that portrayed his love for his family. It was me and my mom and my brother. We were driving around somewhere, doing some shopping, and he was so worried about us spending too much money on stuff. It wasn't a deeply moving dream, but it was a reminder to me of who he was and who God created him to be. Sometimes I need that, because (while I hate to admit it) I forget the kind of person he was sometimes. I forget what his smile looked like or what his voice sounded like when he laughed. I find myself now relying on God to remind me of my brother. I've always been so worried about forgetting him.

After the funeral, I remember wanting to keep his voicemail on his cell phone so that I wouldn't forget what his voice sounded like. Eventually I had to let that go, but last night was a reminder to me that I don't need to worry about that. God can and will continually remind me of who my brother was. He didn't create him and allow him to leave this earth just so in ten years I would forget about it all. He's going to give me dreams of him and that will remind me of how great he was and how much I miss him.

On a lighter note, all things are good here. I'm praying desperately that God will supply me with a job today. I have an interview at Macy's this afternoon, so pray that God's will be done. That's really all I ask. :)

Love you all, and can't wait to see you at Thanksgiving!!!

Jess

Just a quick update....

I'm so sorry that it has been so long... I've got a few minutes before class to update. Most of you are on facebook and already know some of this but maybe there are a few who don't.

School is going great! I'm making new friends like crazy (and while this doesn't mean that I miss my friends in Cali and less) I know God had placed these people in my life for such a time as this.

I do have a job interview this coming Monday Oct 5th at Macy's so please pray that God will show favor. My biggest problem so far has been that I want to come home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. So please continue to pray.

On that note, I have purchased my tickets to fly home for Thanksgiving and Christmas and my schedule will be as follows.

Thanksgiving: Arrive in Cali Nov 19th at 5:45pm. I want Cafe Opa as soon as I get home so if anyone wants to join!! Go for it!!! :)

I leave Cali to come back home on Nov 28th-Sometime in the evening

Christmas: Arrive in Cali Dec 17th at 11:00pm. I come back home January 2nd-again sometime in the evening :)

I'm looking forward to seeing and spending time with all of you!!!

I must go now, I have a speech today in my communications class, so pray!!!

Love you all!

Jess

Trust in the Lord with all your heart.....

These last two days have probably been the hardest days I've had to endure. I wish that I could illustrate everything that we had to go through this week in complete detail, but I don't think I can. I will try to recall it for you as best as possible.

We started our retreat in our groups. I am teamed with 7 other people that I have never met before coming to Colorado. I think it was a "God" thing, because not even the girls that I have been hanging out with are on this team. That should have been my first clue that God was trying to speak to me.

Anyways, we started off the low ropes activity with something that seemed simple. One person had to stand in the middle of a tight circle created by the other people on your team. All you had to do was lean toward them and let them gently push you around the circle. I was one of the last people to go and even though it sounds simple, it was so hard. To close your eyes and just trust that these people weren't going to let you fall, was a hard task, especially for just meeting them. We all accomplished the task and I was ready to move on...

That was, at least until they told us what the next one was.....

When I was younger we used to play that game "Light as a feather, stiff as a board". One person would lay on the ground and other people would stand on the sides of them and put their hands under the person's body. Slowly they would lift you off the ground and lift as high as they could. Now as a kid this was easy for two reasons: 1. As a kid you put a lot more trust in people 2. You were a lot lighter in weight than you are now!

I was seriously thinking of just telling my team that I didn't feel comfortable doing this. In my head I'm thinking "There is no way that these people are going to be lifting me above their heads (which, by the way, was what we had to do.) But I quickly remembered that when I came out here I told God that I wanted to him to change me in some way, and I was quickly reminded that this was part of that process. So I laid on the floor and trusted my team to pick me up off the ground and back down to the ground. Success!!!!

After this, we had another task ahead of us. It was called "Magic Shoes" In this task we had to find a way to get all 8 members of our team from one log to another. The catch? The space between the two logs was "Molten Hot Lava!" We only had one pair of magic shoes and only one person could wear them at a time. So we gave ourselves 25 minutes to complete this one. As we started to strategize how we were going to do this, we figured out that we were going to have to carry people on our backs...and some even had to carry people on their feet. This was where I realized that I'm a lot stronger than I think. I carried two girls on my body and walked from one log to another. And this was also where our team got really close! We had to literally carry each other across these two logs and get everyone to the other side safely. We tried twice and this one, sadly, we did not succeed at :(

After this we had to blindfold ourselves and walk in a line, holding each others shoulders, to the next activity. We had to rely on each other to know where to go and which obstacles were in the way. This is where the title of my blog comes in. We memorized and repeated Proverbs 3:5-6 while we walked to the next location.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and we will make your paths straight."

Our blindfolded walk, led us to our next activity. A rope hanging from a wire in the trees, two platforms and a full open water bottle. The object? To get all of your team mates and the full open water bottle to the other side, only by swinging on the rope. Now I wish I could have taken a picture of the platform so you could see how impossible this was going to be with 8 people. We managed to complete this task, but it was not easy. There were people falling off the platform which led to either one person being blindfolded through the whole activity, or the whole team doing push-ups and sit-ups (by the way we had two "blind" people and one "mute" and we had to do some sit-ups and push-ups) So you can see how hard this task was. This one activity was pretty hard for me. Unfortunately I am short, so the platform that we were standing on was not tall enough to allow me to get on the rope and swing over without falling. I discovered this by trying twice and falling twice! We asked our leader if we could add a platform so that I could have a few more inches to climb onto the rope. He told us no and we should try to get creative. So this very awesome guy Brandon decides that I should just use him as an extra platform. So he got on his hands and knees and told me to stand on his back!!! That's what I call dedication, people!

We had to again walk to the next activity blindfolded but this time it was in a circle. Again, we needed to rely on each other to communicate what obstacles were in the way.

This led us to our final activity. The Trust Fall. Most of you know exactly what this is, but for those who don't. Each of us had to stand on a lifted platform probably about 5 feet off the ground and fall backwards onto the hands of our team. When I first saw the platform that we would be falling off of, I freaked out for a second. 

As my turn came and I climbed to the top of the platform, I remembered something. I remembered all the events that we, as a team had completed. Starting in the very beginning with them lifting me off the ground. Did they let me fall? No. Walking from one log to another. Did they tell me that I couldn't do it? No. Swinging from platform to platform, did they laugh when I fell. Or just tell me to give up? No. Walking from each activity, did they just let me walk through bushes and trip over tree branches sticking out of the ground? No.

Why in the world did I now feel like they would let me hit the ground when I fell? 

So I climbed that platform and while still very nervous about eating dirt, I fell backwards. And guess what? The caught me! 

Earlier I wrote the verse that we memorized and said while we were walking .

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge him and we will make your paths straight."

Trusting God is one thing. Trusting people?? That's a lot harder for me. But here's the thing I learned this week, trusting God with all your heart, means trusting the people that he has placed in your life. Whether you know them or not. God does. He knew exactly what he was doing when he placed me in a group full of people that I didn't know at all. He knew that this full day of activities would push me to learn this lesson. 

I'm asking and expecting God to change me as a person. I'm slowly realizing that I am so far away from totally abandoning myself to him. I have so far to go, but this week made me realize that as long as I am attentive to his voice and willing to do things that bring me out of my comfort zone, it really will make it easier for him to come in a take over. 

I've always thought that I had already been broken, that I was broken beyond measure and just waiting for God to come in and repair and restore like only he can. But I'm not. I still have so much more breaking to go through. But I am not scared. I know it will be hard, but I also know that God will never give me too much to handle. He proved that to me yesterday...

I know this was long, and if you stuck through and made it to the end, thank you. It means so much to me that you are interested in what God is doing in my life. Thank you for being supportive in all the ways that you are. Keep coming back. I'm sure I will be posting again soon. 

Love and miss you all, 

Jess