God Gave Me Voice, I Should Probably Use It.

I've had a very emotional week. 


The sad part is, is that the stuff that is making me emotional isn't even directly happening to me. 


One of my very best friends has a mom who is battling pancreatic cancer. She called me on Thursday and basically said that her mom is at the end of it, that she's ready to go home to Jesus and my friend has had to say her goodbyes. 


And then there's a man in the church who is battling lung cancer. This man would stand at the back of our church and after every set on a Sunday morning would look at me, smile, hug me and say "Keep On Singing!!", and I would smile, hug him back and say, "I Will!!!"


Neither people are super close to me. I've only met my mom's friend once, but I spent an entire 40 minute drive home from work crying my eyes out thinking about all of this. On this drive I cried out to God. 
I've been struggling with not knowing what to say. The thing is, I've been there. I know that there are no words. There is absolutely nothing that I can possible say that will ease even a little bit of the pain that these families are feeling. So I asked God on my way home that day...


"What can I do??, I need to know what to do. I can't just sit here, and cry about this!! I need to do something!!!"


And God was silent. 


Until Friday morning when I climbed in my car at 5:40am and plugged in my iPod and heard Hillsong United's "Soon" start. And then He said

"This is what you can do. It's what you do every Sunday and Wednesday. You lead them to me. You pave the way to my feet, where they can lay everything. You need to record this song."


I had already been wanting to record "Amazing Grace" cause that is what Jack's favorite song was, and he always wanted me to sing it, and I wanted him to have that in this time. So I went home and locked myself in my room for the a day and half and I recorded these songs. 


I put them and a few other things I have recorded on a CD and gave it to Jack's Family to listen to. 


See God gave me a voice. And even after all this time of leading worship, I'm still learning the reason's he gave it to me. He is still reminding me of why I was created this way. 


I live to worship. It's what I was created to do. It's in my DNA. And I plan to spend my life helping people live the same way.  


For now, if this is all I can offer, I know that it will be enough, cause God will make it enough. 


Enjoy these two recordings, they aren't the best, but it's my worship. So it doesn't need to be. 


"Soon" - Hillsong United



"Amazing Grace (Chains Are Gone) - Chris Tomlin

I Love My Church Family.

A few weeks ago, on a Sunday morning, an announcement was made in my church.

Jessica is leaving Lifegate.

I promise, it wasn't as abrupt as it sounds. And this decision was not made lightly. I've spent about a year thinking about it and about 5 months praying about the actual decision and through all of those prayers, God said, "Yes, its time."

And then I prayed again, "God, are you sure? Cause I'm thinking I should stay."

God: "Jess it's time to go."

Me: "Are you positive?"

God: "Yes"

Me: "But.."

God: "Jessica"

Me: "Ok fine."

Not really. But there were definitely times that I questioned whether this was really the right thing for me to do.

I've been attending Lifegate (The Church Formerly Known as 'Downey Ave. Foursquare Church) since I was 8. That's 17 years!! 17 years!! This church is my family. I've spent most of my week and weekends with them. I've laughed with them, I've cried with and for them, and Lord knows that I've fought with them. I've been taught, disciplined, and mentored. I've made friends, lost friends, watched people get married, and attended funerals. I've taught kids church and worked in the nursery, I've been a youth and taught the youth. I've worshipped. I've spent 17 of my 25 years of life there. So yeah. I didn't want to leave. But sometimes God's plan isn't always what our flesh feels comfortable with.

So what am I doing?? Where am I going?? And how did I get there?

I'm doing something that I never ever, EVER thought I'd be doing. I'm church planting. Brian and Laura Warth are two leaders that I've known for a while through my mom and Mike. They've been greatly anointed and called to start a church right here in Paramount. They've been absolutely blessed by God through this journey.

They started a home bible study in March of 2011, and asked if I would just lead some short acoustic worship for them every week. At the time I wasn't working and they were paying. So I said yes. (that sounds horrible)

I was privileged to watch the group attendance grow and grow. Sometime that summer Brian had emailed me and basically said "Just so you know, we're going to be offering you the worship leader position. So just be ready" (His favorite saying.)

I was already talking to God about where I was and what he was calling me to do, so that email made me nervous. Flash forward to November and I find myself sitting with Brian and Laura as they officially share the vision of the church and their vision for the worship leader role.

And they offer me the position. And give me 3 months to decide.

**Enter lots of worship music, praying, crying, praying, and more worship music**

I don't thinking I've ever prayed for something so hard before in my life. Not even when I went to Colorado.
In this time I also met with Pastor Larry and told him about the offer and asked for prayer, cause this was not going to easy.

Flash forward again to Feb. 2012. And I find myself in another meeting with ALL of my pastors telling them that I decided to officially accept the position.

That's the story. There are way more stories, and conversations with God. If you want to more, text me. :)

In October 2012, Chapel of Change Christian Fellowship will be launching a brand new church in the city of Paramount.

And I will be their worship leader.
My last official Sunday at Lifegate will be July 1st. I'm sooo excited about this new chapter of my life, and still very sad about leaving my family. I wont' be far. I'm not moving my house and I will still come around! But I will absolutely miss worshipping with all of you. My heart just about leaps out of my chest when I hear you guys worshipping and singing and crying out to God. I know that God is going to bless you all with a worship leader who's heart is in-tune with God's. I pray that you would continue to worship with desperation, and live a life of worship.

We will be having a "Farewell Party" for me! I can't wait to spend sometime with all my church family. And if I haven't seen you in a while and you'd like to come!!! DO it!!  :)

Wait - A Poem

I really think that I should probably read this every single morning:

Wait - by Russell Kelfer

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate . . .
And the Master so gently said, "Wait."
"Wait? you say wait?" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your Word.
"My future and all to which I relate
Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'no' to which I can resign.
"You promised, dear Lord, that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate,

As my Master replied again, "Wait."

So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting for what?"
He seemed then to kneel, and His eyes met with mine . . .
and He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead and cause mountains to run.
"I could give all you seek and pleased you would be.
You'd have what you want, but you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of my love for each saint.
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint."You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there.
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me
When darkness and silence are all you can see.
"You'd never experience the fullness of love
When the peace of My spirit descends like a dove.
You would know that I give, and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.


"The glow of my comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you ask
From an infinite God who makes what you have last.
"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that My grace is sufficient for thee.
Yes, your dearest dreams overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if you missed what I'm doing in you.


"So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know me.
And though oft My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still . . . Wait."

Joy Will Come...

As always, I'm writing in the middle of the night. It seems to be the time I sort through my thoughts, process what I've been through that day, run over conversations that I've had, think about people, past, present and future.

Tonight is no exception. To say that I've been battling some of my own inner demons the last couple of weeks, would be an understatement. That continues as the weekend approaches.

My brother would be have been 28 this Saturday. And to be completely honest and translucent (which is difficult for me) I am struggling this year. I'm struggling so much that I'm writing this through tear filled eyes. I miss him more than I could ever express. I often wonder what our lives would be like if he were still here. I completely believe that we would be close. He would probably be married by now, with kids. My nieces and nephews. We would probably hang out on weekends, have dinner with each other every week or so. He would probably call me all the time to find out what's new in my life. I would completely spoil those kids and he would probably yell at me for it.

All these things I think about daily. Everyday I have to learn to be content in that these things will never happen for me. I will never get to watch my big brother get married. I will never have nieces and nephews. I will never get to have a sister-in-law. Instead, I get to live vicariously through other people's lives. Like when my best friend watched her brother get married recently, or hearing another friend laugh about trips and stories with her sister-in-law. Or hearing about my cousins spending time with their nieces and nephews.

These things hurt. They are pains that run so deep, most days I'm not even sure what to do with them.

All I can do... all I know how to do is daily giving them to the only person who can handle them. People say that time will heal all wounds. My brother has been gone for 11 years and it hurts just as much today as it did the night that he died.

See the thing is, we're not promised that our lives won't be filled with pain. There is sin in this world and because of that we go through things that aren't fair, and that are painful, and that make us angry. People hurt us in ways that we'll never understand, because people are flawed. We may never truly experience joy in this world. We may be happy in certain times, but true joy comes from one place. It comes from the only person who knows who we are, broken, flawed, angry, pained, confused, hurt and still accepts us exactly the way we are. He never asks us to change before we come to him. Change can only come from him. From being in his presence, and out of relationship with him.

Joy Will Come. I believe that.

I believe that my God is bigger than every hurt and pain that rips through me when I think of my brother. I believe that he can take me as broken as I am and restore things that I don't even realize need restoring. I believe that he can heal. I believe that broken families can be put back together, in his name.

What other choice do I have but to believe.

Joy Will Come.

Every single day I will proclaim that in my life, and know that God is especially fond of me.

"What is this hope I feel, It's helping/ What is this peace beyond, Understanding/ You fix the broken heart, There's healing in Your wings"

There are a few stories/portions of scripture that are my favorites.

-Matthew 6:30 (NLT) "And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?"

-Psalm 13 (NLT) "O LORD, how long will you forget me? Forever? How long will you look the other way? How long must I struggle with anguish in my soul, with sorrow in my heart every day? How long will my enemy have the upper hand? Turn and answer me, O LORD my God! Restore the sparkle to my eyes, or I will die. Don’t let my enemies gloat, saying, “We have defeated him!” Don’t let them rejoice at my downfall. But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me. I will sing to the LORD because he is good to me."

- 1 Peter 3:1-6 (MSG) "The same goes for you wives: Be good wives to your husbands, responsive to their needs. There are husbands who, indifferent as they are to any words about God, will be captivated by your life of holy beauty. What matters is not your outer appearance—the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes—but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way, and were good, loyal wives to their husbands. Sarah, for instance, taking care of Abraham, would address him as "my dear husband." You'll be true daughters of Sarah if you do the same, unanxious and unintimidated.

There are many more, but there is one that lately has been growing and growing on me.

Acts 2:42-47 (NLT) "All the believers devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, and to fellowship, and to sharing in meals (including the Lord’s Supper), and to prayer. A deep sense of awe came over them all, and the apostles performed many miraculous signs and wonders. And all the believers met together in one place and shared everything they had. They sold their property and possessions and shared the money with those in need. They worshiped together at the Temple each day, met in homes for the Lord’s Supper, and shared their meals with great joy and generosity - all the while praising God and enjoying the goodwill of all the people. And each day the Lord added to their fellowship those who were being saved."

I absolutely LOVE this small piece of God's word. This is what the church should be like!! This is what my own church should be like!! I love the idea of the church sharing EVERYTHING!!! They sold their property and all their possessions and gave all the money to the people in the church who needed it. Talk about TITHING! lol

None of their stuff mattered to them, the things that they had, the crops that they grew, their entire livelihoods meant nothing to them, if there were other believers who needed things. Gosh, can you imagine what that would be like? In my own house, we have two refrigerators. If someone were to need one of them we could easily give one away. But it goes so much further than that. If God had this crazy idea to ask us to sell our house and give all the money to the church to help out different families, or to help re-build the church, would we? Do we love our brothers and sisters, and God enough to be obedient and give up the things that we think matter so much?

I won't lie. I like my stuff. I imagine what would happen if there were a fire in my house and I only had time to grab a few things. What would I grab? That's a hard question for me to answer! Cause I want ALL my stuff!! My laptop, pictures, my stereo (yes, my stereo), books, music, movies, shoes! All of this with the exception of pictures is replaceable!! Why do I cling sooo much to stuff?

We lived a little like the new testament church tonight. We spent time in prayer with one another, we took each others needs and laid them before our God as one church. People were healed and restored. We even had one member pray for a non-spanish speaking person, and her prayer was in spanish! We're even throwing other languages in there!!! I feel so blessed to be apart of a church that is allowing God to flow freely!

Well it's almost midnight and I have to be up early to catch a flight to what I like to call my second home. Colorado Springs, CO!!! I'm spending the weekend with three of the greatest friends I will ever know, and I am one happy girl. Hopefully I'll have an update when I come back on Monday!!

Keep me in prayer this weekend, I had a job interview on Tuesday and they said they would be making a decision this week and giving me a call at the beginning of next week!

A Blogger Who Follows Blogs Is A Blog-Follower. Who Would've Thunk.

So since I became a "blogger" I've developed this craze for other people's blogs. Cooking/Baking blogs, personal blogs, fashion blogs, Artsy blogs, I love them all!

Holy-Guacamole, there are tons of blogs out there. Any interest you have, you can probably find someone who has a blog that is LOADED with info about said interest.

Here's a few that I love checking out... Just in case you were wondering..

The J-Walk Blog - This has some crazy stuff in it. It's not really an interest blog as much as it's a good place for random stuff! Check out this post Chicken In The Corn which features "Brushy" the one-stringed guitar player. My favorite part? His friend sitting next to him half-dancing to his music.

Next, my newest, most favorite fashion blog. A Beautiful Mess has some amazingly cute fashions tips and ideas. The girl who writes this blog has a cute looking vintage shop called Red Velvet that also has a cupcake shop connected to it. That's my kind of store. One day I will visit it. It's in Springfield, MO. I have a friend from Missouri, maybe he'll let me come visit :)

My absolute favorite (which is hard for me to post, cause there are a few that I visit daily, and follow on twitter so I can see new YUMMY posts) anyhoo, my favorite baking/cooking blog? That would be Sugar Plum. This girl is my baking idol. She makes everything from her own made up recipes! Who does that?!?! Apparently really good bakers. For now I'll follow her recipes and leave the new creations to the experts.

For my artistic, creative days, I look to Lovely Little Things. JJ Heller is an awesome singer/songwriter. She is also an amazingly gifted interior decorator and sewer... is that what you call them???

DOH, a seemstress. Duh Jess.

Anyways, she has amazing ideas for homemade deco and from what I can tell is an amazing secondhand shopper. I strive to be that good. She is the one who gave me the idea for this. If you haven't hear her music, you should check her out... I mean it. Right now, go download her music and come back to continue reading. That's how good it is.

A good blog in general for the girls out there, is the one and only Bethany Joy Galeotti. If your a die-hard fan (like me) of this show, you'll know exactly who she is. She's just got good stuff. Facial and hair tips, her favs when it comes to products and movies, along with her own personal thoughts on random everyday things.

Lastly, is a new blog I just found. Christa Black is an inspiring person who has a powerful story. She's also an amazing singer/songwriter. For now, that is all I will say. Check out her blog and her music. I'm planning on buying her book/album very soon.

Ok that's enough from me. Hopefully you found some blogs that you also may be interested in. Or at least I inspired you to go blog searching for yourself. Tons of people are voicing their thoughts, opinions and creations with the world, find them.

Listening to: She & Him 'Volume Two'

Finding My Artistic Side

Wow. It's been a while. For those of you who actually pay attention and look for new blogs from me (if you do, that would actually surprise me :/ ) But if that is you, I apologize.

But here I am again, and I've come to a conclusion.

I am not artistic.

Not one bit. When it comes to creating new things of my own. I lack the creative eye, ear, smell, whatever, I'm missing all of it. In my prayer time, I feel God giving me visions of me creating. Music, art, yummy food. I know that God has given me gifts that I have not tapped in to.

If you ever enter my room, you'll see that I have a massive closet. It literally covers an entire wall. My closet doors, are mirrors. About 5 months ago, I started using those mirrors as a whiteboard. In my journaling time, after amazing times of worship and prayer God has given me words that I believe are for a song. I started taking those words and writing them on my mirrors forming them into a verse, a pre-chorus, and a chorus of a song. I started adding more one-liners hoping and trying to fit them in somewhere. I even added a few chord progressions.

It's been 5 months, and that is still all that this song has become.

I don't know what it is. Maybe it's confidence that I lack. I'm still believing that one day it will be great. I know that God didn't speak those words to me for nothing and I will keep working, and allow God to create it.

Also, I want to be an artist. Not just a musical artist.

Do you think you can learn to draw? Is the ability to draw and paint and create pictures a talent that you're born with? Or is it something that, with a little (or a lot) of practice, can be achieved? If so, I want it. More than that, I feel like God knows that desire and desires to draw it out of me. God is obviously an artistic person (just look at our world) and we are created in his image, so why can't it happen?

So what do I do? Well, I spend days (and sometimes, nights) working on it. Praying about it.

Tonight I took out the crayons and color pencils and markers (I'll try paint when I have a bit more confidence lol) and I began to draw. They weren't that great, and no one will ever see them. But I know that it's time well spent. Just like I practice playing piano and singing, I will practice my art. It may never be stunning work, but I know God will give me pictures to draw out, and maybe one day that song on my mirror will become more than marker smudges.

It will be something that is used to minister to just one person.

That will make these 5 months worth everything.

Thanks to one of my best friends, I've been listening to a great song by a great band that I'm starting to LOVE... This is the bridge that has been sticking with me. I don't want to be someone who listens to great words only after people are gone. And I hope that I say things worth listening to while I'm alive.

"A penny for my thoughts, oh no I’ll sell them for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I've been singin’
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin’"

"If I Die Young" - The Band Perry